Are you?
by SilkpoetV
Summary: What happened that night after the trial? My own attempt on filling in the blanks left on Lead. Alex/Olivia FEMSLASH
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMERS:** Law and Order: SVU characters in the story are the creation of Dick Wolf, NBC owns all the rights… I'm just burrowing the characters for entertainment and I'm using them without permission just for fun not for profit. No money is being made, and no harm is intended.

**SPOILERS:** There might be some mention of events during Season 10 Episode 15 Lead.

**PAIRING: **Alex/Olivia implied.

**SUMMARY:** What happened that night after the trial? My own attempt on filling in the blanks in Lead.

**A/N: **One time shot for now, I'm not sure where this may going, I suppose that my muse needs to be spurred by future episodes, I don't know… yet.

Don't forget to review!

**Are you?**

By V

They say that heroes have feet of clay and that the princesses in fairytales are just that, a fairytale; a myth that knights in shinning armor don't exist except in the writers' realm of imagination. In reality many things are said, some truer than others. The truth was that she didn't feel like a princess, or a heroine and sometimes not even sufficiently human to be able to feel or cry.

There was a time the audacity to feel invisible, to believe that what she fought for day after day put her in a special place, made her different. The fact that she came from a well to do family such as hers and to have a name that inspired respect and maybe something else always had been something good. She had the name, the connections, the reputation and above all the intelligence to be able to overcome whatever she set her mind to. And being an Assistant District Attorney was only another stepping stone to greater things; things that she had dreamt of since childhood. If someone had told her that they knew her future that they knew what road she should take to succeed she would have laughed. No one could know the future or could stop it. The truth was we are the ones that dictate our path and it is our actions that at the end choose which path to take, with or without a crystal ball.

She could remember clearly the first time that she met her; she recalled her eyes full of disdain and indifference, almost as if only by looking at her she knew who she was and could read her soul. She made her feel fear, an emotion that she didn't know and behaved accordingly. She pulled from her emotional arsenal her arrogance and iciness to mask over the feelings stirred up by a single stare from her, unshackling her body and shaking her soul. For months she tried to deny the truth, for months she tried to hide the attraction that she felt with professional antagonism. The months turned to years and before she put into words what she inspired, before she would dare let her see what she really felt, when it looked as if both would find the courage to take the first step to something more than just friendship. A friendship that ironically both had tried to maintain by pretending to not take notice, when everything seemed normal, her life stopped being normal and she had to learn to be something she was not.

And she wanted to die, and oh, she was, and she wanted to rebel against her destiny, but destiny had already decided with or without her. The Ice Queen had become Emily in some City in Wisconsin. Nothing made any sense, she had lost control of her life, and she had to learn to be the actress that she always knew she was.

Hah! Of course as an attorney you have to know how to handle your environment. You have to play a certain role even if within you are against the injustices. You have to be cold, calculating, and indifferent if only to survive in that cruel world that was SVU; a world where hopeless victims wanted to make you cry inconsolably, one where justice was everything but it wasn't.

All her adult life she had worked to bring justice to the victims but when it was her turn, the justice forgot her name. At the beginning SVU was only a stepping-stone in her meteoric rise towards becoming a DA, Senator or State Governor of NY. All of that disappeared in the moment that the victims began to have a name, face an expression of horror and then learn that it just wasn't a title that mattered in order to be happy, but something much more which she learned only too late.

To see her smile for a job well done and justice for the victims, that and more was what mattered; if she had only dared say something when she returned for her murderer's trial; just seeing her again at Connor's trial, to feel her gaze…

********

God, how was I able to hide everything I felt the moment I stood before her, feeling her questioning gaze. I knew she had so many questions. I could feel her fear, her uncertainty as if it were a dagger against her flesh. Each one of her words made my heart bleed and cry from within suffering as never before. But I remained silent, every word every gesture was in vain as I tried to hide my pain knowing that I had not come back to stay. That within hours I would be taken to another unknown location as soon as the trial was over, so I had to continue pretending. What good was it being Alexandra Cabot for a couple of days if within a couple of minutes I had to learn to be someone else? And to disappear once again with a new face, and a new life that wasn't my own.

For three years I've had to think and rethink, for three years I have tried to reconcile my past with my present, I have tried by every means to give meaning to my life. I tried to recapture what was mine, be what I once was, but the years in exile have had a steep price to pay. I might be Alex Cabot on the outside, but inside I know I am not the woman who lay on the sidewalk bleeding to death in front of O'Malley's. That night I not only lost my life, but the possibility of becoming what I wanted to be.

I didn't expect McCoy's call, it took me by surprise and I knew if I had given it some time to analyze it that I wouldn't have accepted. I was terrified, for three years I had denied myself the possibility of rebuilding that bridge. I felt too emotionally unstable; I thought that if I gave myself time to be me again, I could be able to find the inner strength to see her again. Strength to extend the olive branch and see if what had been between us even though it had never been externalized was still there. But my fear held me back, paralyzing my body and my senses. I had been a coward, I still am, I was afraid to return and see her with someone else. I was afraid to discover that everything had just been a product of my forced exile. But more than anything else I was afraid of dreaming and wishing for something that had never been mine.

I should be with them like in the old times, enjoying a victory drink at O'Malley's or maybe Chauncey's. I should have accepted her invitation but I couldn't bring myself to wait, to hope that things between us could be the same. Nothing was the same, not her, not the world, nothing; they weren't my detectives and I wasn't the SVU ADA. I was only doing a favor for McCoy.

She had the perfect excuse; she was exhausted after years of not being exposed to that kind of tension. With a grateful smile I excused myself still hearing her words when everything was finally over at the courthouse, _"You really are back, are you?"_ Still ringing in my eras with a crooked grin, the one that always made my heart skip a beat. I wanted to do something else besides smile with false confidence. I wanted to scream '_I'm back! I'm here, look at me, I'm sorry.' _But I didn't do any of those things, I picked up my things, went to my temporary office, did some paperwork and I was gone from One Hogan Plaza just after five. I took a taxi and I made him drop me off three blocks from Central Park and 5 blocks from my house. I needed to clear my head, needed to be alone; I needed to find my equilibrium. And what I really needed was she...in my life, by my side, with me.

The knock at my door pulled me out of my sad thoughts, taking me by surprise. I had been staring out at the NYC skyline one of many new habits. I would stare out at the city for hours, thinking. I certainly hadn't expected any company; much less that someone would be knocking at my door not when you had to get past the doorman who would announce you before letting anyone by. I took a quick look in the mirror just above the foyer table. I was dressed in a comfortable tank top and yoga pants, one of the few things that had been left over from my days in WPP. I needed to be comfortable at home, so it didn't much matter. Without thinking I opened the door, it had taken me some time to get over looking out the peephole before doing so. But it was one of the things that I had made myself get over; after all I had no reason to live in fear anymore. I was free. I was saved.

"Are you?"

"Wh...what?" I said a bit surprised, I blinked several times, trying to shake off the stupor.

"Are you back, are you really back?"

I know I must have said something, I know I must have whispered something. I know I did because Oh God, I never thought, never dared to dream. Oh God, I know I'm crying. I can feel my body shaking and Oh God I never believed, heaven, she is my heaven.

"Yes, yes, yes, yes" I repeated time and time again between sobs.

I know I should have done something, I know it, because I am now in her arms. She holds me so tenderly and sweetly as I had always dreamt it could be. I had never felt so secure...home! I try to listen to the words she is whispering in my ear, words that I can't quite make out but are a balsam for my anguished soul. I know I must have said or done something, I know but for the moment I only want to be here in her arms. There will be plenty of time to ask for forgiveness, give explanations or say I'm sorry. But for the moment I only know that I must have done something so that now I am in her arms.

End?

Let me know what you think, please review.


	2. Chapter 2a

**AN:** Ok folks, here is the first part of chapter 2. I hope you like it. BTW I'm not sure how long or short it will be, but for the moment I do know there will be a chapter 3.

**Don't forget to review, let me know what you think about this piece.**

**Thanks! :)**

**Chapter 2****a**

When you grow up knowing your origins, it's not easy to forget that you might have been a mistake, that you are living on borrowed air and that you were a curse for your mother. One that despite the bitterness you were surrounded in since your childhood you still loved even if on occasion you feel hate and resentment for being the object of her mockery. You can't prevent it, you loved her. She was, after all, your mother and the only family you really had.

And even after rationalizing everything you feel or don't feel, you can't help ask yourself if the one that felt guilty was your mother, after all she was the one who had the final say. She's the one who decided to have you even knowing the consequences. Perhaps she felt guilty for wishing you dead and at the same time for letting you live.

Live or die, either option now that you knew, would have left your mother feeling the same. She didn't have the guts to get rid of something that she didn't want and at the same time had the courage to have you but she had been incapable of treating you, raising you or loving you for what you were...an innocent victim of your father's crime

Not a day goes by that you aren't thankful to the powers that be that despite of everything, you had managed to be where you are at now. It's true, notwithstanding the pain and the shame you managed to triumph over those feelings and used that to drive you to become a better person and do you job better. It also helped you to compensate your mother for giving you life and allowed you to empathize with the victims.

It wasn't an easy job; your mother was an English literature professor at Columbia and even though you never lacked for anything, didn't get luxuries either. Only during the first few years of your life when your mother surprisingly enough cared for you, protected you, nourished you at least until you were old enough to more or less take care of yourself. True, you were only six years old but she had looked after you the best she could before giving in to the bitterness and resentment. Perhaps it had been because as you grew older you looked more and more like your father and reminded her of the reason for your birth.

Nevertheless, you managed to get ahead and become a decorated Detective 2nd grade in one of the toughest divisions of the NYPD, Special Victims Unit. You had served years working and doing your duty as best you could, serving more years than was normal, more years than would have been emotionally healthy, but someone had to do it and you are more than ready to do so and on occasion your need to see justice made you cross the line of what the "law" saw as correct.

You didn't know what it was like to have a life outside of work. Initially when you were a child you had always concentrated your energies in your studies, that and sports kept you distracted from the miserable life that you had at home. Later it had been the college at Sienna, political science and criminal psychology as majors with only one objective in mind, the police academy.

You worked a few years as a beat cop, just enough to get experience and allow you to take the detectives exam. Once it was confirmed that you had passed the exam but before they could assign you, you volunteered to be assigned to SVU. This division was on a voluntary basis and since you had recently were named detective, you had to pass additional psychological exams aside from the norm. Of course they had no way of knowing that it wasn't a ghoulish mind that made you want to be part of SVU in the first place, but the desire to see justice done.

That's why the hours in a day were too few for you if you were trying to solve a case. You invested all your energy into each case as if it were the most important one of your career. And in reality each one was and that is why you felt powerless when you can't find justice for the victims and you promise yourself each day, that you'll do better next time and you never realize that the mere fact that you care at all is making a difference.

It was that desire for justice that made you realize that she was different. True, at first you couldn't help feeling that she was only just another of many ADA's that passed through SVU. The only difference with this one was that she was assigned exclusively to your cases and it wasn't like the other times that it was assigned to who ever was available to take a case. This time they had someone dedicated to you exclusively, that alone made you pay more attention, to notice who she was, what she thought and felt.

At the beginning you weren't sure of her intentions in SVU aside from the apparent political aspirations that she blatantly made clear to. You didn't consider that the blue blood attorney and suits that probably cost more than your monthly rent had enough convictions to last more than a year at SVU. But you were so wrong; perhaps not even she knew how demanding SVU could be. Perhaps not even she was ready for the changes that would come with the experience of working shoulder to shoulder with you trying to solve cases that could touch even the coldest heart.

There is nothing more stupid tan falling in love with someone without even knowing that you were. It was impossible not to be aware how attractive she was and not only that but she was BEAUTIFUL in capital letters. She also exuded a palpable sensuality that could enthrall a room full of people with her presence; after all she didn't become an attorney for nothing. Her self confidence, that arrogance that she carried like a second skin could drive anyone crazy and you weren't immune to her magnetism either.

You had your reservations on her assignment to SVU, you weren't the type to trust easily much less let anyone see who you really were or let them know how you felt. True your personality didn't change much from the implacable detective, Olivia Benson, from the very private woman that you were. Possibly only Stabler, your partner had been let in to occasionally catch a glimpse of the true Olivia and always with some reserve. The world in which you moved in was one in which it was best to keep your life private and far from the madness that working as a police officer in such a tough division such as SVU was necessary to maintain to keep your sanity.

But you never know quite how to balance both, that was the reason why you didn't have a love life, not even a sporadic relationship. And you weren't averse to finding yourself attracted to another woman. If occasionally you preferred to have a one night stand with a man it was just because it was less complicated; men rarely wanted anything serious and those that did soon found out that your life was not truly yours unless you wanted it to be. And apparently you didn't want it that way, and they would stop calling while you had already forgotten about them when they did try to call.

It wasn't easy forgetting Olivia Benson, you could keep your heart under lock and key but you are just one of those special women that don't need to exert themselves to be noticed for people to know how marvelous you are. One of those women that don't even realize how beautiful they really are, the kind that forget they are attractive and that either man or woman, it didn't matter who, would die to have by their side.

Perhaps that is why it took you by surprise when you found out that the attraction that you felt for Alex Cabot was much more than an objective admiration of a beautiful woman. It was small things, her smile that she rarely displayed and when she did it was in an odd way that would make you feel special; the eyes that made you want to lose yourself in their blue depths and would make you ask yourself time and again what was so special about her that you wanted to spend more time with her?

This and many other questions went through your mind during those nights that you managed to make it back to your lonely apartment. You let yourself think about the reason why you felt protective of her; you would ask yourself if being in a world dominated by men and being the only women on the team if it was normal to close ranks or if it was something else, something you refused to see, that you feared would be out of your control.

The months passed and turned into years, and each case you handled, every moment you spent by her side made you realize that what you felt for her was not just simple admiration; that it wasn't just a physical attraction to the imposing personality that was Alex Cabot. That in reality your feelings for her were more than just friendly professional companionship and that made you feel trapped; you couldn't help want to be by her side, spend time with her, be close to her and touch her even if only by accident. You thought you could control your emotions, the feelings that each day grew stronger. How wrong you were, you could be an expert at hiding your emotions, but against her you had no defense.

That need was your downfall; you couldn't help it, seeing her every day began to be a sweet torture. At times you could see Alex behave a certain way that made you feel that perhaps you weren't the only one that felt that way. But at other times you couldn't be sure if it was only your fevered desire that made you think there was more than could be seen a first sight.

How many times did you spend time together outside of the precinct over lunch or drinks after a difficult day or celebrating a victory; hours in her office preparing for trial…those and every moment spent at her side you felt the sexual tension build. You weren't a detective for nothing and you did the logical thing, looked for clues, evidence that without really accepting you wanted to find, something that would maybe and just maybe tell you it wasn't one-sided.

When the cases got to be too much for both of you, each so gruesome and taxing enough to drive you insane, and you would both seek comfort in each other, looking to redeem errors that usually weren't even yours but it felt like they were. Failures that reinforced the connection that joined you and that you didn't dare name.

One that was destroyed without you being able to stop it. Your hope died that night outside of O'Malleys, in that split second when you saw her life escape between your fingers. At that moment you forgot your reservations and the love you felt for her could be heard in your anguished pleas, but it was too late, she was dead, at least to the world.

You couldn't believe what was before you as she stepped out of the black SVU, alive. Her name escaped from your lips in reverence, like a plea, your eyes could not hide your pain, your desolation; you wanted to say so many things. You wanted to hug her against you and never let her go. But you held back, your eyes locked with hers; trying to convey your feelings, too make her understand what she really meant to you. You saw her leave and your heart broke in a million pieces.

How do you repair a heart that never healed, you ask yourself? You hear Casey's surprised reaction and you turn to see what's going on, and there in front of you is...more beautiful than you remembered and once again her named escaped your lips with veneration and need and you devour her completely with all your being.

You thought you had gotten over her leaving; you thought you had made peace with that lost opportunity. But nothing prepared you for the pain and sadness that you heard in her voice when she talked about her life in the WPP. Your desire had never died, that need to wrap her up in your arms and protect her came over you like a vengeance and it became evident than ever before.

You listened to her words with eyes flooded with tears and sorrow; each word that she said was like a dagger in your heart; for the love that you knew you couldn't quench and would never be returned. Hearing her speak of that good man that would hug her during the night made you want to scream and confess your love to her; to ask her to give you an opportunity, a hope, but you knew that it wouldn't be fair for either of you, no matter how painful.

Justice would have been made if she had been able to stay after the man that tried to kill her had been convicted. Instead you heard from Agent Hammond that once again she had been ripped from your life without you being able to say goodbye, without you being able to confess the truth, your truth to her.

The truth hurts, you had been following the Velez case closely, you knew he had died in prison, you knew that Connor's had been extradited to Ireland to be prosecuted there for his crimes and you knew that Alex was back. But she never responded to your messages, she never visited the precinct nor gave any signs that she wanted to have any contact with anyone that she had worked with for nearly five years of her life, people that had mourned for her when they thought her dead. She was back, but you never imagined that it would for the price of a broken heart.

***

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	3. Chapter 2b

**AN**: Once again, thank you to those who have read me, to all of you who have left your comments, that have added me to your story alert list and especially that have added me to their favorite story list. Thank you so much.

I still look forward to read your comments; good, bad, doubts, suggestions, etc. Don't be shy; if it's a question of language, I do understand Spanish, French, Italian and Portuguese.

**Note:** This is femslash, Alex / Olivia pairing, so those too narrow minded EO shippers please abstain. There are many stories that meet your criteria; this is not one of them. Thanks!

***

**Chapter 2b**

Three years of your silence, knowing that you were in NYC, a silence that felt like a betrayal in the deepest recess of my heart. And the first thing I do was the same thing I did when you returned for Liam Connors trial, exclaim your name in reverent surprise, as if just saying it would bring more than just your presence. Once again, I felt that my whole world was falling apart. What power do you hold over me? Just the sight of you makes me shiver in such a manner that my whole being is clamoring for your attention.

I saw the uncertainty in your eyes I could feel the waves of nervousness emanating from you, and for one moment, I couldn't reconcile the woman that I had in front of me with the arrogant and self assured Alex Cabot that I loved without ever you knowing it. Then I remembered that it had been five years since you had stopped being my Alex, yes, mine, because even though you never knew it you were mine.

I watched you from afar, close to you, but at a distance as if you were a specimen that I had to dissect. A part of me is furious for your silence, a part of me wants to shake you and protest your absence, your rejection of the detectives that you once called friends. However, that other part of me that never forgot you but had been hidden in the far recesses of my heart so that I could survive was now pleading for you.

I keep telling myself I shouldn't feel this way, betrayed, lost; I don't have any right because after all it never went beyond friendship, a friendship that barely scratched the surface of professionalism. The occasional drink or lunch shouldn't have been enough for me to feel that way, but I couldn't help it, I loved you then without knowing and I love you now without wanting to.

At least I think I don't want to, but suddenly I find myself in front of you, working on a case as if time had never stopped. In addition, as the days go by I can see how you are recovering the confidence that once covered you like a second skin, that arrogance and self-assuredness in yourself that could conquer the world just with its presence. And every minute, hour that passes by your side is a sweet agony. The feelings that I thought were buried and forgotten reborn with overwhelming force. I don't know what will become of me when you leave again, because I know that this is only temporary. That you are only doing a favor for McCoy, and that I will be here without you once more

Watching you tear down the president of the toy company without even batting an eye… I can't help but admire you with adoration as I pass by you with the handcuffed culprit after hearing you say him, _you already have his ass, and it's on the record. _To see you talking with the parents of Jeff Lynwood and telling them that he will soon be well and the subsequent deal you gave them so that they wouldn't have to go to trial. You are radiant I can't help it; my heart is bursting with pride for you, because I knew what that victory meant to you. Moreover, not being able to hold back I asked you more as an affirmation if you are really back but I didn't stay to hear the answer. I could feel your eyes following me and I told myself that it was true you were back.

The boys wanted to go out to celebrate the victory and I've been put in charge of inviting you, this is your victory more than anyone else's. We just got you the evidence but you were the one that got the results. I went to see you but you decline to accompany us, you say you're tired, that you're out of shape and besides you have to finish up the paperwork. I accept your excuse but inside I refuse to accept the reason. I could see in your eyes something that I'm not sure I know what it is; I feel that there is something more. I ask myself if you might be afraid to come back and you want to keep things impersonal. Perhaps after all, you aren't really back and everything is just a dream.

After a couple of drinks I say my goodbyes to the guys, there is something calling me, a strange feeling that I now know is associated to you. My mind won't stop thinking about you. I take a taxi and head to Central Park. I need to walk, think, clear my head, analyze myself and ask myself what it is that I want. Do I have the courage to confess what I feel for you? Will it even matter if I lose you again if I do find the courage to tell you the truth?

I am sitting there watching the people go by, couples, people exercising, it's still early, one of the few times that I could get out early from work. I didn't hang around at the bar very long, I wasn't in the mood for celebrating and ironically we had something to celebrate. Suddenly as I turn, I see you walking at a distance, it's you, and I would recognize you miles away. My first instinct was to run towards you, but I hold myself back, your expression is taciturn, tormented. I ask myself what you might be thinking, what could it be to look like that? I stand up and start walking parallel to you, I still don't know where you live, or even if you're married or living with someone. Actually, I don't know much about your private life. In the last few days since your return we have barely spoken at all about anything personal, you wouldn't allow it. I know I shouldn't but that part of me that has always felt the need to protect you urges me to do so. It has just to reassure myself that you are fine I try to convince myself. You walk absently; it's a dangerous way to be in NYC. I follow you for three blocks and you apparently have been unaware. That scares me; _just what are you thinking Alex?_

Finally, after a few more feet I see you going into an elegant building. Of course, where else would you live, you are Alexandra Cabot after all. You must have inherited a fortune when your mother died, one that never knew you were still alive, or at least that's what we believed. A part of me wishes that is not the case, that Hammond had a heart and had confessed the truth to your mother. You were her only daughter, she deserved to know the truth and I feel guilty I knew it. Why? I ask myself, why did you refuse to go into the program until you said goodbye? You didn't have to do it, so why did you?

I stopped in front of your building, not knowing what to do, should I go in? Should I go back to my apartment and continue to torment myself about your return? Not quite knowing what to do I noticed a café not far away and decided to go get me a coffee. I was in no hurry to get anywhere and I felt close to you just knowing you were in your apartment safe.

I went in and ordered a coffee; I chose a table close to the window where I could pretend that it was you I was looking at. Before I realized more than an hour had passed by with me lost in my memories of you, of what I once dreamt of being with you. I stood decisively; I had not reached this stage in my life by being afraid, so I always grabbed the bull by the horns, knowing there was a possibility of failure. So what could I lose now that I hadn't lost already?

With a firm step, I walked to your building and with equal determination; I stood in front of the doorman and asked for your apartment number. I told him we worked together and showed him my badge and that I needed to talk to you about a case and that you had given me the address but neglected to give me the apartment number. He smiled and told me I didn't need it that I only had to go the elevator and push PH, yours was on the right. I thanked him and entered the elevator.

There were many things I wasn't sure about in my life, but one thing I was convinced of, tonight I would tell you the truth. I needed to tell you, I couldn't keep on hiding my love, pretending it didn't exist.

I knocked on the door and waited. A few minutes and you didn't answer, I knocked louder. I was nervous; I dug my hands into the pockets of my jacket staring down at the floor, balancing on my heels. I was beginning to regret my actions when you opened the door and I said the first thing that came to my mind.

"Are you?" Looking into your eyes I could see the surprise painted on your face.

"Wha…what?" You babbled, not understanding what I had just asked point blank.

"Back, are you really back?" I repeated staring directly into your eyes, scared and full of hope. You let a soft whisper escape, _Liv, _you breath my name and nod, your eyes are locked on me, you can't believe that I'm standing in front of you. I can feel you and I can't stop myself, I need you! Without warning, I pull you against me and you cling to me as if I was life raft in the middle of the ocean. You hug me as if you never wanted to let me go. I feel you weeping as you keep repeating over and over again, _yes, yes, yes. _And I know in my heart that you aren't just telling me that you are back, you are responding to the question that I had made five years ago before they had pulled you out of my life when I thought I had lost you forever when you weren't even mine.

I can't contain my own tears, I wrap you in my arms as I continue to whisper how much I missed you, how much I need you in my life, begging you not to ever leave me again.

_Alex, my Alex._

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	4. Chapter 3a

**AN: **Sorry for the late update, thanks for reading and don't forget to review, it feeds my muse really!

**Chapter 3 **

At some point after Alex opened the door, Olivia had entered the attorney's penthouse and had fallen into her arms and closed the door. She hadn't gone much further than the main entrance both were so engrossed in each other, enjoying their closeness. The tears had long ago stopped but neither of them showed signs of wanting to separate. They stayed silent for several minutes more, just trying to familiarize themselves once more, looking for the connection that both thought had been destroyed forever. During the time that Alex had been ADA they had rarely permitted themselves the luxury of a hug, both determined to deny themselves that comfort for fear of not being able to maintain the appropriate distance and continue acting as if there was no attraction between them.

Alex was the first one to let go of the tight embrace, Olivia felt Alex take a deep breath before releasing her. The detective let her go despite her instincts screaming at her to no do so. She feared that if she did so Alex would disappear as if everything had been a dream. However, she knew she had to do it. She let her arms drop flaccidly to her sides an immediately buried her hands in her coat pockets, gripping her fists as if trying to keep herself from throwing herself at Alex once again. She didn't dared lift her face, staring intently at the floor as she waited…

Alex took a deep breath once more, and for a split second she felt ashamed of herself for her loss of control at the moment that she had Olivia in front of her. The attorney had always been proud of the strict control she had over her emotions and reactions. After the tragic circumstances that had lead her to be exiled she had felt trapped as if she was in a cage without any control; that had been one of the reasons why she had stayed away from the 16th Precinct and the SVU unit. She needed desperately to regain control before being able to try to reestablish her old life, or at least some of it. Now in front of the owner of all of her dreams and desires she felt once again as if she were falling into an uncontrollable whirlpool that she did not like one bit. _Damn it Cabot, control yourself._ She chided herself. When she felt herself sufficiently under control to face Olivia, the detective's shoulders were slumped and her head was hanging which caused her to realize how stupid she was behaving. _For god's sake, it was only an hour ago that I was regretting my past errors! Don't you ever learn? _She reminded herself. _You were wishing that she was here with you, and now that she is, you act like a stupid idiot all over again. As if I wasn't in her arms a few moments ago crying. _She told herself furiously. Alex Cabot was fed up with herself, of her emotional cowardice; she had lost nine years of opportunities because of her incapacity to express her feelings, the truth that was in her heart. _Enough! _She told herself "Liv." Her voice was shaky. "Look at me." She begged gently.

Olivia shook her head for a moment, as if she was also confused by her own insecurities and fears. "Liv, please" Alex begged, at this stage what did it matter trying to maintain appearances. Olivia had seen her under worse circumstances. For God's sake, Olivia had saved her life when she tried to stop the flow of blood when they attempted to kill her.

It was ironic that only minutes before their were in each others arms embracing as if their lives depended on it, but now they were acting like fearful strangers even though during that embrace they had without words imparted to each other what had been in their hearts all along. When Alex noticed Olivia's silence, she asked herself if she had heard her. "Olivia, look at me." She begged more firmly and this time the detective seemed to finally take notice that Alex was talking to her.

When their eyes found each other both moaned involuntarily, this time there would be no barriers or walls to overcome. This time their eyes expressed desolation, pain and uncertainty but at the same time hope and love that neither of them dared to express out loud.

"Hey," Was the only thing Liv could think of saying, lost in the depths of the blue eyes that would follow her for years. After a few moments almost immediately she felt like and idiot. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have…" she began to feel bad about coming over on an impulse, if it was about denial, they were both master at it. "It's just…" She lowered her gaze.

"Liv." Alex drew near and cradled Liv's face in her hands, making her look at her, with a shy smile but full of hope that at the same time tried to convey reassurance to Olivia. "You don't have any idea how happy I am to have you here. Please, Liv, I know we have to talk but I want you to know that I am infinitely grateful that you are here."

"I know we have to talk Alex," Olivia seemed to have recovered a bit from her own insecurities when she looked into Alex's eyes. "I think it's a conversation that should have taken place five years ago." She smiled timidly. "That's why I'm here. I…" she began to say but Alex placed a finger over her mouth. At the contact Olivia trembled at the intimacy of the gesture. She looked at Alex questioningly.

Let's get more comfortable," She suggested, "Standing here at the entrance isn't the best. Do you want something to drink?" She asked taking her by the hand as if it was the most natural thing to do, and leading her into the living room. Olivia followed quietly, still in limbo, enjoying the feel of the attorney's warm hand in hers. "I was about to open up a bottle of wine when I got lost." She said ironically.

"Lost?" Olivia asked in confusion. She had followed her for three blocks and she assured herself that she was safe and sound when she entered her apartment building; as a matter of fact she waited outside for an hour watching from across the street.

Alex let loose a chuckle that made Liv feels as if she had butterflies in her stomach, _God_, she thought to herself. Alex indicated the window that faced Central Park.

"Getting lost is just a saying, in reality since I came back from the program and purchased the Penthouse I like to stand in front of the window and spend hours staring out at the horizon. It makes me feel like I am at home and helps me think.

Olivia was about to ask her what she thought about but hesitated. Alex must have noticed because she added. "In everything Liv, my past, my present…Regret my errors. Everything! I have spent hours and hours looking out at the City searching me.

The detective formed an '_oh'_ with her mouth, but she agreed in understanding.

"I would love a glass of wine." Accepting and returning to the previous topic once more before continuing with being "lost".

"Great, have a seat." She smiled, she was about to go, returned and moved closer to Liv and took her hand. "It really does make me happy that you are here Liv." She said warmly and kissed her knuckles much to the Detective's total surprise; she blushed slightly when the attorney's lips brushed her fingers. "Let me get the wine." She said happy at Olivia's reaction to her caress.

Olivia remained standing unmoving while watching the attorney's back heading to the kitchen. She shook her head a few moments later trying to clear her head. _She kissed my hand? Wow! _She looked all around and noticed how the living room was exquisitely decorated, however, in that moment it was what least mattered. She removed her jacket and set it on the back of the sofa before sitting down. Her legs suddenly felt like _jello _and her hand where Alex lips had rested for a few seconds was still tingling. Her mind still couldn't grasp itself around what was happening. It had been only an hour ago that she had been sitting at a café debating whether what she was about to do was a smart thing or not, but now she was in here with the woman that had been the owner of her heart for nearly a decade and she didn't know how to react.

Alex in the meantime was in the kitchen taking out a bottle of Pinot Grigio and a couple of glasses. Her hands were shaking lightly and she forced herself to relax taking in a few deep breaths.

"It's now or never Cabot." She encouraged herself as she left the kitchen.

As soon as Olivia saw her she stood so she could help her with the bottle.

"Would you like me to open it?" She asked politely taking the cork screw and the bottle.

"Of course" Smiled Alex, as she sat down on the sofa watching the detectives strong hands maneuver the cork screw easily and pour the wine into the two glasses that Alex held. Once she served she set the bottle down on the table and sat down in front of Alex. Neither of the two seemed to want to be the first to begin. Olivia took a sip of wine, enjoying the wine's bouquet.

"Excellent year Alex" Olivia praised a bit tense, looking at her from the corner of her eye.

"Thank you" replied Alex looking at her from the corner of her eye as well. She set the glass down carefully on the table and turned to look at Olivia. "I think we have to talk."

"Yes." Olivia let escape with a shaky breath, the truth was that she was afraid of hearing what the attorney had to say. Over the years she had asked herself a thousand questions that didn't have any answers, or maybe there would have been if she had dared ask. "I think it's a conversation five years in the making. Isn't that so?" She said almost in a whisper that Alex had to try hard to hear.

"If that is how you want to see it. I think it is much more than that." Alex agreed.

"Why Alex?" She looked at her sadly. "Why these three years of silence?" Liv reproached. "I won't accept what you told El. Alex you are the strongest woman I know; I can't believe that the idea of you calling us when you got back was that painful, at least…" She hurried to add when she saw Alex open her mouth to argue. "Not like you made it seem. When you came back for Conner's trial you didn't seem to be resentful. Why Alex?" Liv begged for the truth. It didn't matter how devastating it might be for her, she needed to know the truth so she could move forward with her life.

With or without Alex in her future.

**Please Review, thanks. :)**


	5. Chapter 3b

**AN**: I hope you like it, thanks again for your comments and for reading me. Special thanks to those for adding me to her Favorite author and story list.

What should I do? Do you want me to keep going this one according to season 10, meaning 8 more chapters more or less, or I should finish here? Let me know... meanwhile I'm working in the next chapter of my other SVU story.

**Don't forget to review, my muse is a little bit cranky rigth now!**

***

Alex opened and closed her mouth several times almost as if she was not sure how to explain it, how to make Olivia understand that it weren't them or even Liv to be specific, the real reason was Alex herself. She closed her eyes for a moment and threw her head back and opened her eyes.

"When…" She began but a knot had formed in her throat. She gritted her jaw and continued. "When I came back from the last place that they had reassigned me to I was only a shadow of myself Liv. They had made me change from place to place five times by then since going into the program. The first time before coming back to testify against Conner's I had been almost a year in Wisconsin." Alex's voice became thick; it cost her a lot to talk about those years. She could still feel the loneliness that those memories brought. "Somehow I was beginning to adapt to the life." Olivia eyes widened in surprise, what she could remember of her brief return for the trial, Alex had told her she hated it. "Oh don't take me wrong, I hated it, but I was adapting. I had almost a year as Emily, learning to be a boring, dull woman that she was supposed to be. But I had to do it Liv, I had to.

"I'm really sorry Alex." Olivia could feel her eyes fill with tears when she heard the pain in the attorney's voice. "I'm sorry for what you had to go through. You have no idea how guilty I've felt all these years knowing that if I had been a little quicker, if I had been more observant to what was happening, if I had…"

"Liv, no, no please, do not feel guilty. If anyone is to blame was me; me because I was not able to see what was happening and for not understanding the magnitude of what was about to happen. Liv, Agents Donovan and Hammond wanted to warn us. For God's sake! Livia Sandoval was an obvious sign of what those bastards were capable of doing to protect their drug trafficking operation. And I was an arrogant bitch that believed that my position in the District Attorney's office granted me immunity that only God can grant.

"But Alex, you were just doing your job." Olivia tried to justify. "And you were looking for justice for a woman that was just doing hers."

"Liv, my work, her work, Donovan's, all that revolved around the same thing, we three lost our lives. They lost theirs permanently and I lost five years of mine."

"Five?" Liv asked not understanding.

"Yes Olivia, five. After Wisconsin the other year and a half that I spent in the program was hell, more than it already was trying to pretend I wasn't me. The fact that I appeared for Connor's trial put me once again in Velez's sights. It was no longer a question of keeping me quiet Liv; it was a matter of vengeance, pure unadulterated hate. I think Velez was aware that he was about to go down and he had decided on not go down alone. Once the trial was over I was put in a federal SUV and taken immediately to a safe house. I was there for a week before they took me to a town up in the mountains of Colorado. We traveled several hours by car, changing vehicles every eight hours. It took nearly three days to get to where I was going to live. During all that time I had to learn about my new life, my name, my family, education, everything. And suffice it to say that when I arrived at my new destination I was both emotionally and physically exhausted Liv. I spent almost an entire week locked away in the little cabin that they had given me for a house. I had sunk into a deep depression. Liv, you know that when I was in Wisconsin my mother died. They didn't allow me to go to her grave; they didn't allow me to mourn my own mother. I spent my nights crying Liv, but not for my mother, but because I felt so lost, so alien. Suffice it to say that I was at the point of being diagnosed with clinical depression. I was so out of it, totally devastated. Nonetheless, after that week of drowning in my sorrow I made myself move on. I would tell myself constantly that I would not permit that a bastard like Velez should win. I was alive and it was the only thing that was important. However, I had only been there two months when Hammond arrived suddenly and without giving me any time for anything took me to another location.

Alex picked up her glass and too a sip before continuing. "Two agents aside from the DEA's had turned up dead. One of them knew where I was. They were tortured and left to die." A scowl of pain appeared on her face. Olivia only continued to listen to her in silence, even though she only wanted to take Alex in her arms and console her and give her strength; "Two more deaths under my belt Liv, two agents dead because Velez wanted to know where I was. Once again I was sequestered in a safe house, this time for an entire month. They didn't want to take the chance of putting me out in the open before they were sure I was out of danger. They couldn't give me a new identity to study because they themselves did not know where I was going to be relocated. I spent a month locked up in a house with two agents that would barely bother to talk to me. It was a measure of security, the less they knew about me, the less danger they were in. I was so alone Liv, alone with my own thoughts, with my doubts and fears, everything churning in my head. I was going crazy."

Olivia couldn't restrain herself any longer and took Alex's hand. Holding it firmly between hers she squeezed it, trying to convey in that gesture her strength and love.

"When they finally gave me my new identity they took me to Washington, to a suburb just outside of Seattle. I hated living there; the rain depressed me more than I already was. Once again I had to learn to survive, to continue pretending to be someone I wasn't. After Seattle they took me to Nebraska, then later Ohio and finally Arizona. Each one of those reassignments made me lose a bit more of myself Liv. Finally a moment came where I did not have any idea who the real Alex Cabot was. In the program they keep telling you over and over again that you have to forget, forget who you were. Forget that you were someone in another life, forget you left friends, family and loved ones behind. Forget, Olivia, forget, and at some point I think I did. After changing my name so many times, Emily Joanna, Lucy, Stephanie, Renee, Michelle…Alex Cabot got lost somewhere and I could not remember how to get her back."

Alex closed her eyes trying to contain the tears that were now silently running down her cheeks, but it was impossible, it did not matter how much therapy or how many times she analyzed the reasons, she could not get over the pain, the desolation, the impotence, rage and loneliness that would always be there scarring her. She would never be the same and she wanted so much to get it back. She just wanted to close her eyes and open them to discover that it had all been a horrible nightmare. But she already knew what it was to be in a living nightmare and knew that wishes did not come true no matter how much you prayed to God.

The same day that they told me that Velez had been caught and then later had been found dead in prison, just before the trial; was the happiest day of my life and at the same time the worst. Suddenly Hammond was telling me, "Congratulations Alexandra Cabot, you can return to your life." _That is if you wanted_ Alex added to herself. "But to what life Olivia? What was I returning to? Who would be waiting for me? I was alone." Olivia closed her eyes when she heard Alex's words. She wanted to scream at that moment, _I was here waiting. _"The federal agents had frozen my accounts, my mother's, everything for the day when I would be able to recover my identity and when I finally can I don't know what to do. I was lost, I felt like an empty shell with a tag on my chest; Alexandra Cabot, 34 years, single. But who was I Olivia? Who?"

Alex couldn't stand sitting any longer and got up. Olivia let go of her hand following her with her eyes as Alex paced back and forth.

"I came back to NY and before I knew it I was drowning in meetings and paperwork in order to recover my identity and inheritance. I needed to look for a place to live; I had been staying at the Plaza for two months before I got this place. Suddenly Branch appeared offering me a post as Bureau chief -one that Liz Donnelly got after 15 years in SVU- I had attorneys under my charge that I do not know how they could call themselves attorneys. They were a bunch of idiots and there I was with all the control, but it was just an illusion. I had control over nothing, everyone wanted to meet with me, dinner invitations, parties, everyone wanting something from Alexandra Cabot; the hero that confronted a drug lord as powerful as Velez and came out of it alive to tell the story. I was going crazy Liv, crazy with all that power, with all that influence that I didn't stop to think and I let myself think that I was the one that made my own destiny. That I had finally reached the goals I had always dreamed of. The District Attorney's office even closer than ever, Senator, Governor…the sky was the limit." She laughed bitterly at herself. Olivia cringed when she heard it, to be witness to what Alex really felt about herself at that time.

Alex once again picked up her glass and drained it; she poured herself another and took another sip before setting it back down on the table. She ran a hand through her hair nervously.

'When things began to settle down, I thought I had all the time in the world, I had thought about going to see you all. I had picked up the phone several times to call but there was always someone calling me away, a case, and a problem, someone needing something. Then I met Robert." She shook her head. "That was a huge mistake. He was determined to woo me, for him it was all about status. To be able to say that he had conquered the infamous Alexandra Cabot. I made the mistake of accepting his proposal. I never really thought about marrying him. I thought I had it under control, idiot!"

"Alex, it's understandable that you were out of control, emotionally." Liv tried to reason with her, trying to understand Alex's actions based on the experiences she'd had under the program. It was normal that she would feel that way after so long pretending not to be who she was. "You were still fragile, didn't you take therapy?"

"Of course I did, it is mandatory once you leave the program, but Olivia, I made myself believe that everything was fine, that my life was following the path that I wanted. I chose the cases that my ADA's would handle; I was the one that had the last word. But that was a lie, I…" she ran her hand over her face ashamed. "The night before the engagement with Robert, I slept with Jim Steele, on the desk in my office. Liv you have no idea how ashamed I felt afterwards. But you know what? That night I went to the apartment where I spent most of my time at with Robert, that evening he asked me to marry him and I accepted.

Olivia felt as if the floor under her feet had disappeared, she had heard the rumors, but she hadn't given them any credit. It was not surprising that there would be rumors about Alex, after all, a woman as important in Manhattan's legal world was not exempt from vicious rumors, but to hear them confirmed from Alex herself was devastating.

"Now do you understand why I did not try to seek you out?" Alex said in a tired voice "I was only a misrepresentation of myself Olivia. Sometime after the engagement party I awoke alone in my office, I had fallen asleep studying a case. The truth was that I did not want to go to the penthouse where there was nothing there or to Robert's apartment because I knew he would be waiting for me. Jim found me there and asked me what I was doing still in the office. I must have looked like death warmed over. I looked at him disconcertedly and said I was working. "I don't understand you. You would rather be here than with the man you just got engaged to?"

Alex looked into Olivia's eyes and with a shaky voice added. "It was in that moment that I knew that I could not do it, I could not marry Robert. I could not continue doing that job and I did not want to continue lying to myself. I stood and went directly to see Arthur. I told him I was resigning. He refused to accept my resignation although he did permit me to take an extended leave of absence to get my life in order. He told me 'Alexandra, I don't know what is going on in your head at the moment but what I do know is that you didn't get shot for doing your work for nothing. Do whatever it is you have to do, but there will always be a job here for you. I would be an idiot if I let you go.' I thanked him still unsure that it was the right thing to do. I went to Robert's apartment, I packed my things and I left him a letter along with the ring inside. Afterwards I came here and then I packed a suitcase and went to the house that had been in my family for generations at Martha's Vineyard. I did not tell anyone where I was going. I just simply left word that I was going to take a few days vacation and I left."

"What happened with Robert? I don't think he would have just accepted you breaking it off just like that." Liv asked.

"Of course he did not; he searched for me until he found me and turned out at the house at Martha's Vineyard. It was a really bad fight; he accused me of using him, of making him look ridiculous, etc. I let him go on and on, in a way he was right and when he finally finished I told him that I was sorry but that I was not changing my mind. I asked him to forgive me for hurting him and for a moment I thought he would hit me. His face was so red from anger, but then after insulting me he turned away and left."

"Did he hit you?" Olivia jumped to her feet enraged. _If he touched you I'll kill him. _Olivia thought.

"No, no he did not, I though that he would try, but he did not."

"What did you do after he left?" Olivia managed to calm down, even though she felt her heart beat at a million per hour at the thought that Alex could have been hurt.

"I stayed there for about a month, I would pass the time down at the beach, thinking. I felt so lost, as if I had been sucked up into the middle of a tornado whirling around and crashing into everything. After that I returned to Manhattan and began to go to therapy. Little by little I began to put the pieces of the puzzle of my life back together, I started working in the appeals division. Before I knew it three years had gone by and I never did try to contact you or the others but in all that time I never stopped thinking about you, in what was, in what never could be." Alex confessed and slowly made her way over to Olivia and took her hand before raising her eyes and looking into hers. In Olivia's eyes she could see fear and uncertainty and Alex smiled slightly. "I have something to confess."

"Tell me." Olivia said, feeling her mouth dry.

"In all that time, during those five years there is only one thing that I profoundly regret, something that still today keeps haunting me."

"What?" Olivia asked in a raspy voice.

"I never told you the truth"

"The truth?" Olivia apparently didn't know what to say since she kept repeating everything Alex said.

"Yes, the truth, my truth." Alex agreed with a smile.

"What truth Alex?" The detective felt her heart was going to jump out of her chest it sounded so loud to her own ears that she could not hear what Alex was confessing.

"The truth that I have known from the first day that I met you but that I never had the courage to say"

"You met me?" _Alex couldn't possibly be saying what I think she is saying, right? _Olivia's mind screamed at her.

"Yes Liv, I don't know when, or how, but in all this time I am sure about something, and that is you. What I feel for you." She drew closer still to Olivia, if that were possible. She could feel the warmth coming from the detective's body, warming her own. She could feel her heart beating rapidly and she could feel that her truth was also Olivia's. "I love you Olivia Benson, I have always loved you."

Olivia didn't need to hear anything else; she didn't want to hear anything else. In that moment it didn't matter that Alex had needed three years to confess what she felt. It didn't matter that during five years she had lived in eternal agony and full of regrets for not having had the courage to tell the attorney the truth in her own heart. None of that mattered anymore, that was the past. With a sob of happiness and incredulity Olivia threw herself at Alex, hugging her fiercely, capturing her lips in a passionate kiss. Olivia invaded Alex's mouth forcefully, tasting for the first time the honey of her mouth. Alex entwined her hands in Olivia's hair pulling her in closer, deepening the kiss. Their tongues danced in a union of souls. Alex drank of Olivia as if she was dying of thirst in a desolate desert. Their tongues fought to dominate the other, wringing out moans of pleasure all the while Olivia tried to melt into Alex.

When they finally separated their chests rose and fell wildly, both had a huge smile on their faces, their eyes bright with tears of happiness.

"I love you too Alex Cabot, I always have." Olivia confessed in a shaky voice, caressing Alex's face. "I love you Alex, I love you."

Alex laughed and cried, she couldn't believe it, what she had always thought would never come true. "Oh Liv" She embraced her hiding her face against her neck as she had done only a few hours earlier. "I never…I love you so."

Olivia also laughed and cried, but finally after all this time; finally she could embrace Alex knowing that it would not be for the end but the beginning. "Alex?" she said after a moment.

"Hmm?" Alex murmured without raising her head.

"Promise me one thing." Olivia asked seriously. So much so that Alex tensed and pulled herself away to look up into her brown eyes with fear. Olivia hurried to reassure her with a smile.

"Whatever you want" Alex agreed.

"Don't ever leave me again." Olivia begged with all the love, anguish and pain she felt expressed on her face.

"Never Liv, never again" Alex promised solemnly. "I love you Olivia Benson, I love you."

Olivia smiled in ecstasy. "Come here." She extended her hand and Alex took it without hesitation.

"Where to?" She asked.

"Does it matter?" She asked with a crooked smile that always drove Alex crazy.

"Not if I am with you."

"You have a bed right?"

"Detective Benson! Just who do you take me for?" Alex exclaimed in feigned outrage.

"Ha, Ha, counselor your mind is in the gutter." She teased.

"Oh, you mean that's not what you meant?" She asked with a pout.

"It's this, and this, and this." Olivia said placing small kisses on her face.

"And this," Alex murmured capturing her mouth hungrily.

"Yes…this and much more Alex" Liv promised "A whole lifetime."

"I do not think that will be enough." Alex breathed.

"Me either but we can start with that, don't you think counselor?" She asked with a crocked smile.

"Yes." Alex followed her without letting go. "Of course we can detective Benson"

**TBC?**

**Don't forget to review, it spurs my muse, really!**


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